(4:42:40 AM): Ok. So I'm obvs. not like Emily who habituates chronic manifestation of deep, friendship oriented comments, but I'm writing this up because I actually give a fuck, and because you aren't just another empty, pointless presence in my life. It takes so much for me to say this, to forget that I am stubborn to a fault, but. Let's stop being awkward. It feels weird to go from a state in which we talk just about anything right down to abrupt awkwardness. I've thought long and hard, but I guess lately I just needed some time away, and in retrospect I was pretty inconsiderate myself to have shutdown on you like that. Usually I'm tolerable some and don't mind people refusing me something measly like food, but what ticked me off was how you answer ''-- because I hate you.'' to everything. Just, Idk anymore if it's how you like to show your affection, whatsoever. I know how hypocritical this sounds right now, as I tease just about everyone, but at the moment I was like. " Uh. Okay, fuck you, then." Out of the blue, I got extra fumy, but I didn't resolve to hate you. (+ Oh. If you read, and took to heart, a certain hate-infiltrated status about someone being selfish or smth, it's not you. It's for the Alex-Thao-faced guy I severed connections with earlier in the week. Tada. Okay, he blew me off first. But that's story for another day.) I get that mutual acceptance is key, and believe it or not, I do try on my part, as I understand that I myself am not a very likable character. So you can keep at being your stingy self, and I'll keep at being the bitch. I just want to see the awkwardness end. Because at some point in your life, I know I've also murdered your patience, robbed your faith.
+ Know you're not into walls of texts, so I'll stop here before it develops into another stupid rambling and ruin your day, if I haven't already done so.
It's nearing 5 am, and I'm feeling drunk. Yeah, the prime of my pathetic hours.
(12:56:13 PM): [Offline IM sent 3h and 20m ago] "deep, friendship oriented comments"
more so frequent, than deep I think, but.
I guess I'll comment as I read.
"because I actually give a fuck [...] aren't just another empty, pointless presence"
I'd like to say sorry for appearing to not give a fuck & not trying to patch whatever hole it was up. I mean, you were obvs mad at me, & I kind of just sat there idle, not knowing what to do. I guess I'm just used to people, friends, non-empty presences drifting out of my life. figured this was one of those moments & let the 99% pessimistic me hold on to that idea. I mean, I have this giant "friendships dealing with me always fade, i will be forever alone" babble posted somewhere from long ago.
"takes so much for me [...] stubborn to a fault"
I appreciate the effort, really. because I'm stubborn beyond fault, and with my general awkwardness in dealing with people/relationships/whatnots, I don't think I would've ever gotten around to doing smth like this.
"pretty inconsiderate myself to have shutdown on you like that"
Didn't really see it as inconsiderate myself. I mean, I couldn't really piece tgth what I did wrong fully, but if it was bad enough for you to do that, then it was my fault for being inconsiderate in the first place. I didn't really expect you to be forthcoming about you reason for doing so. I mean, if I expected that of people, I would be waiting hopelessly for my dad everytime he gets mad at me or my mom, and I've just resolved to blame whatever it is on myself.
"'-- because I hate you.' to everything. [...] you like to show your affection"
Idk. I didn't think it was that which got to you. I was going towards the "i am a selfish bitch & she dislikes me for not getting her Chex Mix" (and I realized I was kind of derpy that day, because I was going to get it for you, but I realized I had two dollars only left & I had to pay Zhenni back, and not until later did I realize I could've exchanged one of my bags for it.) reasoning route. I figured we were, uh what did I say before, riding the hate train or smth & since our convos are filled with "you're ugly"s & etc. galore, you wouldn't really take any of my insults to heart. I really don't have it in me to hate a person, if you actually thought I meant what I say. well, unless you raped me & murdered my parents, because those actions warrant a lot of hate, but.
"If you read, and took to heart, a certain hate-infiltrated status [...] Alex-Thao-faced guy"
ooh. I did. Idk. I guess I did take it to heart. In the kind of way that reinforced my babble of "friendships dealing with me will fade" thing. I just saw it as "ok. so yeah, i guess i am a bitch to people & this is her way of effectively cutting ties." or smth.
"I do try on my part, as I understand that I myself am not a very likable character."
I try albeit in quiet awkward ways, but. yeah. sorry again for giving up on the whole trying thing. + I tend to meet people that aren't likable to the masses, so I don't see myself as a holy, friendship god or anything either. it's the to-the-masses people that I actually find kind of nonlikable, for reasons I don't really understand rn.
"some point in your life, I know I've also murdered your patience, robbed your faith"
you should know that my memory sucks & I can't recall much beyond an hour before the present. so. a lot of people murder my patience though. it's not very hard to.
I deal with walls of texts by retaliating with one of my own. except it's a kind of cracked wall that I had to separate, but. I don't see how you would think an attempt of stopping awkwardness would ruin my day, but it hasn't jsyk.
you are unhealthy.
if it brings any sort of closure to this business, I'll buy you Chex Mix if you actually don't ditch tmr & end it with a cheesy "because i don't hate you" sentiment.
as for what I can offer via interwebz, here have a cool cat.
saw Pebs holding hands & walking Trini to bio on friday. he looked borderline enthusiastic about smth for once.